Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
You Might Also Like
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I have a new favorite meme page
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.