Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.