My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala