I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
reduce, reuse, recycle
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99