[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?