Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.