[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.