#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
This makes total sense…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers