After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Does this dress make me look cat?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
May have had one breakfast too many
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”