I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
no cat here
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there