adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.