Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you