being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.