The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE