I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.