How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
#oldknees
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.