I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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socratic questions
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning