Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.