Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.