Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
💯😂
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Never forget.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table