Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
So creative 😂
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.