“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Running from your problems is cardio .
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Every BBC series about the universe.