My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.