They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I just tested negative for patience.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything