Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.