jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
You Might Also Like
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all