Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
You Might Also Like
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*checks Timeline*…
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
the battle rages on
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.