4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit