All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…