exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?