Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
This is I, Robot all over again
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.