if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This made me smile…
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Can’t stop laughing
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.