I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
this is the best interaction on twitter
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense