[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*