The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Name another movie that mislead you?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.