Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking