Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are