EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Confused owl: What?!
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.