i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Mornin. * use accordingly
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”