*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Going to church you guys need anything
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I hate when that happens.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it