Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
💁🏻♂️
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright