Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”