It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Finally!
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.