I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you