drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
You Might Also Like
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??