Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Woke up against my better judgement again
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower