DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
For anyone who needs this today
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out