Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord