The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Sunday
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?