Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
You Might Also Like
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
(2022)
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor